I asked God to remove my feelings for you if this is not going to work. My friends are now tired of listening to my stories. I am still me who loves you, running on empty, waiting for something to happen.
There are times I try to step up the game. I try to look good and talk to men, but none of them makes me feel anything. Now I wonder where is the excitement I used to have, all those desires and lusts. I don't recognize the old me who fell so easily on such things, as now I become so calm in my cold dark room, alone, not even text anyone. I am not interested.
Sure I do miss you. I let doubts kill my expectations before my expectations kill me. Listening to the songs that make me think of you is my favorite kind of torture. I am condemned in guessing whether those songs have meanings for you; or just a bunch of stupid songs as commodities you consume on daily basis.
Things are completely different when you're old enough to get your heart broken. What I meant by old enough is when you realize that chances to meet things you like are pretty small and you have no time nor energy to goof around. When you are busy with work, side projects, house chores, parents, friends and you're so emotionally exhausted and all you want is to stay in your dark room, wearing ugly pants, loose t-shirt and cry all day.
I am trying not to be skeptical. I still believe that love will come back in another form, but to invest my time and energy on such risky business is not something I can do in the mean time. I just.. can't. I don't think I can afford another heart break and sleepless nights. I expect the next time I fall in love would be easy; an automatic fall into an endless pond, and throw the fears away. I don't want another doubt. I'm done with people doubting me like I don't deserve for love.
Or maybe I really don't?
