Jumat, 20 November 2020

Still November

I don't really have much to conclude. I've been on holiday, spent hours on my motorcycle, cried, bought unnecessary things. Everything I needed to keep me feeling something. Most of the times I just pass the time feeling nothing. I sleep dreamless nights. Mornings are not better times. All this longing feeling devours me. I thought time would change me into something; months after, all I know I have made sadness into rock solid and concrete cold. There is nothing I could do but letting this happen.

What seems to be forever is the wait. I begin to doubt the concept of "temporary" because time passes so slow and so strange.

Speaking of strange, there are some feelings I barely recognize. Attraction, affection and sex. All feelings that stick to them, I don't think I can feel them anymore. Like I have felt everything in this world and there won't be anything new. Nothing would ever surprise me or touch me with a warmth equals to morning sunshine or clean tap water in August afternoon. I can't picture myself standing beside a man with butterflies on my stomach and feeling secure. There will be no secure after this. I'm turning old, gray and overwhelmed by disbelief.

There are times I throw myself into tantrum. Then I feel like, no. You got this. Just like the tide; the emotions creep up and down, just like that. 

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