December

I asked God to remove my feelings for you if this is not going to work. My friends are now tired of listening to my stories. I am still me who loves you, running on empty, waiting for something to happen. 

There are times I try to step up the game. I try to look good and talk to men, but none of them makes me feel anything. Now I wonder where is the excitement I used to have, all those desires and lusts. I don't recognize the old me who fell so easily on such things, as now I become so calm in my cold dark room, alone, not even text anyone. I am not interested.

Sure I do miss you. I let doubts kill my expectations before my expectations kill me. Listening to the songs that make me think of you is my favorite kind of torture. I am condemned in guessing whether those songs have meanings for you; or just a bunch of stupid songs as commodities you consume on daily basis.

Things are completely different when you're old enough to get your heart broken. What I meant by old enough is when you realize that chances to meet things you like are pretty small and you have no time nor energy to goof around. When you are busy with work, side projects, house chores, parents, friends and you're so emotionally exhausted and all you want is to stay in your dark room, wearing ugly pants, loose t-shirt and cry all day.

I am trying not to be skeptical. I still believe that love will come back in another form, but to invest my time and energy on such risky business is not something I can do in the mean time. I just.. can't. I don't think I can afford another heart break and sleepless nights. I expect the next time I fall in love would be easy; an automatic fall into an endless pond, and throw the fears away. I don't want another doubt. I'm done with people doubting me like I don't deserve for love.

Or maybe I really don't?

Still November

I don't really have much to conclude. I've been on holiday, spent hours on my motorcycle, cried, bought unnecessary things. Everything I needed to keep me feeling something. Most of the times I just pass the time feeling nothing. I sleep dreamless nights. Mornings are not better times. All this longing feeling devours me. I thought time would change me into something; months after, all I know I have made sadness into rock solid and concrete cold. There is nothing I could do but letting this happen.

What seems to be forever is the wait. I begin to doubt the concept of "temporary" because time passes so slow and so strange.

Speaking of strange, there are some feelings I barely recognize. Attraction, affection and sex. All feelings that stick to them, I don't think I can feel them anymore. Like I have felt everything in this world and there won't be anything new. Nothing would ever surprise me or touch me with a warmth equals to morning sunshine or clean tap water in August afternoon. I can't picture myself standing beside a man with butterflies on my stomach and feeling secure. There will be no secure after this. I'm turning old, gray and overwhelmed by disbelief.

There are times I throw myself into tantrum. Then I feel like, no. You got this. Just like the tide; the emotions creep up and down, just like that. 

November

So, it's been a while I haven't written anything. It's November now. It's been seven months since you left, but I let everything just the way the last time we met. I haven't seen anyone for a while. Not even thought about getting laid or getting drunk. I built a high wall and hide. I don't feel right to be with anyone but you.

I know it sounds silly. But whenever I feel like leaving, something tells me to stay a little a while. Just in case you'll knock on my door again. And there's you, still in your cold exterior, as tough as a wall I build for men around me. You left me waiting outside your door. I don't even know if there is a door. All I could do is staying here, waiting until something happens.

And I cry anywhere possible: on my way to work, in the bathroom, at work, in foreign city, on my prayers at night. I thought it was guilt that haunt me down, but when the guilt has gone, all that left was a nervous thought: "what if he is the one?"

I am so scared. What if.. I will spend the rest of my life mourning for an requited love? Will I see you, once again, marry another girl? Will I marry a man I don't really love, just because it makes sense and we'll secretly think of each other every night? And I am so nervous just to think about how this feeling would end up.

I kneel and pray. If this is not happening, I beg to God to take this feeling away. Just take it away, let it die, I can't contain it anymore. I am too small for this amount of love that would not flow anywhere it should.

I remember crying on my motorbike, listening to Tere's Tak Ingin Usai. All I could hear is myself crying and my mind kept shouting, "EMOH. POKOKE AKU EMOH." I never refused anything that bad before. But I was too scared to beg. I was too scared to keep knocking on your door. I know you hated it.

So I ran and hid. It takes so much to pretend like I don't, while I always do. I don't know how you do it. I bet you don't feel it at all.

It was nearly a year ago we began seeing each other again. 

Sleeping with your wrinkled shirt only cause I was thinking about you.

Is this always been overwhelming or is it just me who feels this way?

June

Have been listening With or Without You for countless times now.

Big Girls Do Cry

Big girls curl up on their big bed, weep silently. Big girls run or ride for miles, believe that tears might change into sweats, so no one would see them cry.

Big girls need their boys too. They cook and cut apples into smaller pieces that fit in their lovers' mouth. Big girls care about their boys like a lot.

Big girls pay their own bills, go anywhere they want, drink responsibly, and fix their make up. Big girls go to bed alone. With thoughts in their heads, all they want is some pat on the back and big smile to end the day.

And I am fucking tired of being so big and strong. I wanna be small, timid, and dependent. I wanna be so small so I can fit in your pocket and cling wherever you go. I want you to see im so vulnerable that you can't bear leaving me alone.

Big girls are dumb, are weak and weepy and need shelter the way small girls do.

Maybe

I hope you someday

you will love me

                            too.